April 14 2002

If the Regular Season Ended Yesterday...

Today I'm going to look at what would happen if the season ended yesterday. Sure, we're only going into the third week of the season, but I'm a little short of Rumor-Wire content right now, so cut me some slack.

If the regular season had ended yesterday ...

• Patos Lucas (Lucy Juarez) and her Pancho's Sandalias would be crowned the Regular Season Champ.While her team is in 6th place in the hitting standings and tied for 11th in pitching, that combination plus 20 bonus points puts her in first overall. Close on her heals are Los Huaraches, owned by Casi Miro (Javier Andriano); My !@$%@! Team, owned by Lisa Brown; and, Santa Lechuga Bus Wreck owned by Rube Furrow (Joe Livernois). Interestingly, the Sandalias, Huaraches, and !@$%@! Team are all in the Rojo Division.
• Obviously, Lucas' Sandalias would be crowned La División Rojo champs.
• Col Martinez (Paul Martin) and his Cabbage Farmers would be crowned La División Anaranjada champs. Considering he's 26th in the overall standings, Martinez should be thankful that he's in such a weak division!
• Myrna Loy (Mirna Adriano) and her Adriano's Chaussure would be crowned champs of the La División Gris. Loy is tied for 5th overall.
• Mistress Catalina (Kathy Livernois) and her Ball Busters would be crowned La División Verde champs. Catalina is tied for fifth overall.
• Rube Furrow (Joe Livernois) and his Santa Lechuga Bus Wreck would be crowned La División Azu champ. Furrow is all alone in fourth place overall.
• Jeff Brown's Magic Johnsons would be crowned as champs of La División Violeta. Brown is in seventh place overall.
• Lisa Brown's My !@$%@! Team would win the Hitting Championship. Making this even more impressive is the fact that she's doing this without any bonus points.
• Splitting the Pitching Championship would be Jeff Brown's Magic Johnsons, Donald H. Rumsfeld (B.J. Surratt)'s Osamahead Buzkashi, Rent-an-Owner (Kelsey Brewer)'s Rent-a-Team, and James Gallagher's The Dudes. If they had to fight over the winnings, I've got my money on Rumsfeld's Buzkashi.
• Finally, the Bonus Points Championship would be split six ways by: Loy's Chaussure; Miro's Huaraches; Lucas' Sandalias; Chula Mula (Karina Granados) and her Puros Cuero; Scott Allen's ScootBigs; Suzie Zipple (Susie Rochellle) and her Sue's Zs; and Chuy Chicle (Richard Livernois) and his Zapata's Zapatos.

A Hard Rain's Going to Fall

A big shout out to new owner Mucho Goings (Jim Cummings), who joins the league from Ridgefield, Washington with his team, Washingtino Bullets. Rumor has it that Mucho's Bullets still haven't had a home opener yet. Each of the first seven home games have apparently been rained out. Given that not a single fan has gone through the turnstiles this year, Goings is considering building the first indoor stadium in the minor leagues. Word is that he's also considering a move that would take his team to the Sahara Desert.

Bag Check

Speaking of turnstiles, there's absolutely no truth to the rumor that the Taliban Rangers, owned by Al Quaida (Vern Fisher), are being sued by the mother of their general manager, Cliff Metavoy, for briskly frisking her at Saturday's game. A little backstory: After last year's Bobblehead-of-Lettuce debacle, the SLPL has been forced to step-up security at the turnstiles, requiring each bag to be thoroughly checked. On Saturday, when Metavoy's mother refused to let a security guard check her bag as she entered the game, the guard shoved her up against the all, frisked her, and was just about to conduct a full body cavity search when Metavoy arrived and fired the security guard on the spot. The bag was apparently never checked.

An Open Letter to Lisa Brown

Dear Lisa,

I don't usually use my column to write personal letters to people I've never met, but when you're done reading this I think you'll find that I'm justified in using this space given that my plight is quite desperate.

Allow me to get to the point: I want your team name. You see, the name of your team -- My !@$%@! Team -- perfectly describes the way I feel about my team right now. The currently-named Pepino Monos are in 39th place overall, 6th place in the weakest division in the league, 38th place in hitting, and 41st place in pitching. I hope that I won't need your team name for the entire year, so maybe I can borrow it until the Pepino Monos get their fecal matter together and start performing.

Based on how your team is doing, may I suggest that you let me have your team name and you rename your team to something more appropriate. Perhaps you can rename your team "My Wonderful Team." Or "My Excellent Team." Or "My Team That Doesn't Suck Like Pedregoso's Team."

Based on the performance of the Monos so far, I think you'll agree that My !@$%@! Team more aptly describes my team than yours. Thank you for your consideration.

Pedregoso Ríos

©2002 Tony Livernois and Joe Livernois. All rights reserved.

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